Nothing Left to Lose
by LupinsGirl98
Summary: No one would miss him. No one would even notice if he disappeared. SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: mentions of emotional abuse, self-harm and suicide.**

**Some relief writing; kind of therapy for me. Oneshot. Viewer discretion is advised.**

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Blaine's tears fell fast and heavy as the blade sliced his skin and blood pooled in the deep cut.

It wasn't as sore as he'd remembered, but that was two years ago. The new cut sat next to all the other scars from when he'd done it before. Some were faded; some were just as angry red as they had been when he'd first done it.

He was thirteen the first time he hurt himself. His father had yelled at him, called him worthless, a faggot. When he turned fourteen, he'd done it because of his father continuously calling him a disgrace, he'd done it because of his insecurities, he'd done it because of the bullying, the taunting. He did it so often that it wasn't even sore. But then when he was fifteen and transferred to Dalton, things got better. He did it less and less every week and he would be fine until he returned home once a month and his father would yell at him and since his blades were kept at home, he found he needed it more. Over the years he'd learnt that once the cut was deep enough, it wasn't as sore.

Besides, the deeper the cut, the bigger feeling of relief.

And then when he was sixteen he'd met Kurt. Beautiful, pure, sweet Kurt who had opened himself to Blaine and allowed himself to be found. In return, Blaine had also let himself be saved, be comforted, be loved. Kurt always swore Blaine had been the one who did the finding but in reality, Blaine knew it was the other way round.

Kurt had been the only one who had known. He'd been the only one who had seen the scars. He'd kissed them, sucked them. He'd traced them lightly with his fingertips, whispered promises of a better future over them, his breath tickling Blaine's skin.

Blaine's body shook with sobs as he attacked his skin more and more in his bedroom with the only light coming from the sliver between the curtains. He cut deeper and deeper until cutting wasn't enough. He yanked open the drawer in his bedside table and rooted through it, pushing aside bottles of hair gel, old photographs, a tub of moisturiser until he found the jar he was looking for. He took it out, opened it and emptied a few of its contents into the outstretched palm of his hand.

He threw the blood covered blade across the room where it landed on a pile of papers he was revising for the next day. He stared at the pills in his hand long and hard. He looked at the picture of him and Kurt on his bedside table. Kurt had been the reason he hadn't done this already. He'd been then only one who cared enough about Blaine to give him his time and attention.

But now he didn't have Kurt.

He didn't see much point in continuing.

Brittany would be glad to see him go; she wanted to be 'the new Rachel'; Sam was happy as long as Brittany was happy; Artie was too busy thinking about colleges to even spare Blaine a glance and Tina was still caught up with the break between her and Mike. Obviously none of the new kids cared about him; they didn't even know him.

He still kept up with some people from Dalton but he knew he'd been replaced long ago as head warbler and he knew he wasn't needed by them. They probably only kept in touch with him because they felt sorry for him having to go to a public school.

His family definitely wouldn't care. He was a disgrace to his father and to his father's family. How dare he be gay? Did he realise the shame he'd brought upon them all? How dare he even have those types of thoughts? He was sick of the uncomfortable family gatherings, the clapping hands over mouths when they accidentally made a gay joke, the distant glances and forced smiles. He was sick of it all and he'd had enough.

He didn't even have Kurt any more to make everything okay and the hurt he'd caused him, fuck. The one thing he loved more than anything... he'd hurt him. Now he deserved to be punished, deserved to be hurt in return. He didn't have a reason not to.

He looked down at his right hand. One swallow and the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the despair, the hopelessness; the cuts that were starting to sting badly. One swallow and it would all be gone. It would be gone in the blink of an eye and the snap of fingers. It would be gone and he wouldn't have to feel like this ever again. Dammit, he wouldn't have to _feel_ ever again.

And the idea of that was bliss.

No one would miss him. No one would even notice if he disappeared. And for this reason, he cupped his hand over his mouth and tipped his head back, effectively swallowing the pills that rested in his hand. Because fuck...

... he had nothing left to lose.


	2. You're Amazing and You're Beautiful

**Heyyy :) yeah, looks like I continued this one ((or really I just wanted to use the song so idk, review if you want me to make it into a story))**

**The song is _You're Wrong _by fab friend Beth ((BethChambo on YouTube so go CHECK HER OUT PLS)) there's a link on my profile.**

**Hope this is okay, love you guys!**

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Kurt took a deep breath as he walked to the front of the choir room with Sam following close behind him, picking up his guitar on the way. Kurt wiped his hands on his trousers and turned to look at the glee club all staring at him with pitying faces. He closed his eyes to compose himself while Sam sat on a stool beside him.

Kurt swallowed. "Sam and I – we wanted to do this together. Blaine's our best friend," Kurt's voice cracked and Sam directed his gaze to the floor. "We just hope he's okay. This one's for him."

Kurt looked down to his right and nodded at Sam to begin. Sam gave him a small smile before taking his own deep breath and started to strum, soft chords carrying throughout the room. Kurt closed his eyes and imagined Blaine sitting right in front of him, smiling and clapping and loving him. The lyrics to the song floated out of his mouth like petals down a stream.

_You're not doing well in school._

_And all the kids who are_

_Considered cool._

_They call you names,_

_And shoot you dirty looks_

"Hey Blaine?"

"Yeah?"

Blaine looked up from studying. His hair was coming free of its gel and his Dalton tie was loose around his neck. His legs were crossed in front of him as he sat opposite Kurt on the latter's bed.

"Whenever we met… you said you were bullied," Kurt took a deep breath and simply looked at Blaine. They'd only been dating three weeks and he didn't know if it was too soon to be asking such personal questions. "H-how bad – was it?"

Blaine blinked and looked down at the bed cover. He set his pencil down in the middle of his maths book before taking a deep breath, clasping his hands together and looking back up at Kurt. He let out a nervous breath before opening his mouth to speak.

"I got teased a lot," his voice was quiet and Kurt didn't say anything. "I hadn't come out but somehow they all knew I was gay. They called me names, left me mocking notes in my textbooks and were just generally rude."

"Were they ever… violent?" Kurt asked softly. Blaine left out a nervous laugh and broke Kurt's eye contact. Kurt's heart skipped a beat when Blaine did that and he feared he'd gone too far. He reached out and placed his hand on Blaine's knee. "It's okay, you don't have to talk about it."

Blaine nodded and picked his pencil up again. He looked back at Kurt.

"I'll tell you it all one day," his gaze was intense and Kurt found himself transfixed. "I promise."

Kurt nodded and gave Blaine an encouraging smile before looking back down at his own book.

_You look away,_

_And bury your nose in another book_

Sam sank down in the chair next to Blaine and turned the TV on, quickly getting into a football game that he'd recorded the previous night. He opened his bag of Doritos and glanced over to Blaine, about to offer his friend some but found him completely absorbed in a book.

"Dude, you're reading again?" he said incredulously. It annoyed him that Blaine read so much and it annoyed Blaine that Sam didn't read at all.

Blaine shrugged. "It's my favourite."

"What is it?"

"Harry Potter, obviously. I'm offended you didn't already know that," Blaine mumbled, turning the page.

"I just don't get why you read so much," Sam grumbled, sinking further down onto the couch. He was taken by surprise when Blaine closed his book over and looked at Sam.

"Books are amazing," Blaine told him. "I love books so much because there was a time they were there for me when no one else was."

Sam frowned and sat up to face Blaine. "What do you mean? You know we're always here for you, bro."

"Not you…" Blaine sighed and looked down at the cover, tracing the letters with his fingers. "Before you guys and Dalton, y'know. I didn't have anybody. I guess Harry Potter was the only one who was there."

"I'm sorry you ever felt like that…" Sam bit his lip and looked over Blaine. "Were you okay?"

Blaine shrugged and took a deep breath before looking back at Sam. "There's nothing like being taken away from reality by a good book, right?"

"Right…" Sam repeated and opened his mouth to ask what exactly he meant by that but Blaine was already engrossed in the story again.

_You feel continuously low_

_And as if there's no hope_

_And you have no self esteem_

Kurt noticed Blaine fidgeting with his clothes, smoothing out non-existent creases and patting down his hair every two seconds. Kurt smiled over at him and placed his hand over his boyfriend's as they sat in the corner of Santana's basement, watching their drunken friends get up to all kinds of crazy.

"You okay?" Kurt asked when Blaine looked over at him.

He faked a smile and nodded.

Kurt frowned. "You look amazing."

Blaine looked down at the ground and removed his hand from under Kurt's. He pulled down the cuffs of his cardigan, covering his hands.

"If you say so," he muttered.

Kurt heaved a sigh and grabbed Blaine's hand again, holding on tightly and not letting go for the rest of the night.

_And sometimes it seems_

_Like the world would be_

_Better off without you_

_And no one would even notice_

_If you went away overnight._

"You take tablets?" Blaine looked at Sam and quickly put away the small tub his anti-depressants had been in. "Since when?"

"A-a while now," Blaine stuttered, not looking Sam in the eye. He poured the water down the drain and threw the plastic cup in the bin beside the sink.

Sam frowned. "Why?"

"We should probably go, we're about to perform," Blaine muttered and pushed past him, making his way to the choir room.

Sam didn't miss the way his new friend winced as their arms hit against each other.

_But you're wrong_

_You're wrong –_

_'Cause I've needed you all along._

Kurt sang, his eyes shut tight with tears starting to roll down his cheeks. His heart was breaking as he thought of the boy who had showed him intense love. It physically hurt to think of him lying in a hospital bed, unconscious after trying to leave the world. He only wished Blaine loved himself at least half as much as Kurt and everyone in the room loved him.

Kurt was stuck in a limbo between being mad at Blaine for doing such a thing and being devastated for the same reason.

_You're wrong_

_You're wrong_

_Don't go, no no no._

_Don't go, where I can't follow._

_'Cause I need you to know._

_That you're amazing_

_And you're beautiful_

_To me_

_And you're unique, and that's why we love you._

Sam's heart hurt as he strummed his guitar, staring longingly at the empty seat that Blaine usually occupied. He blamed himself really; he seemed closest to him in the past lot of weeks and he should have noticed something was up. Hell, he noticed a whole year ago Blaine seemed sad but he didn't think full blown depressed.

_You've always got tears_

_In your eyes_

_And you're not getting any_

_Enjoyment out of life._

"Blaine!" Kurt called after Blaine as the latter bolted straight up the stairs to his room after getting home from a night with all of Kurt's family. Kurt had known it was bad idea for Blaine to go, considering his state of mind at that time – a whole house full of completely new people – but Blaine had insisted.

Kurt followed him up the stairs and found him in his en suite bathroom, leaning over the sink with the cold tap running. His hands were tangled in his hair; his jacket was discarded across the bath and his bowtie was hanging loose around his neck.

"Blaine, I –"

"It's my fault, Kurt," Blaine's voice was shaky; broken. "I was so stupid."

Blaine's grip on his hair tightened and his nails scratched his scalp. He suddenly let go and splashed his face brutally with the ice cold water.

"No! Blaine, it's not –"

"Can you just leave, Kurt?" Blaine continued to stare down at the sink, his hands braced on either side of it, water dripping from his eyelashes and nose. Kurt could see Blaine's arm muscles tensing and relaxing in a continuous pattern.

In truth, Kurt was scared to leave but he knew staying could make Blaine worse.

"I – okay. Just… don't do anything stupid, okay?" Kurt said tentatively, tears springing to his eyes.

Blaine didn't reply and simply stared on.

"Blaine?" Kurt pressed.

"Fine," Blaine sighed.

"I'll call you in the morning and you'd better answer," Kurt told him. Blaine didn't say anything. "I love you."

Kurt wasn't expecting a reply but it still hurt when he didn't get one. He backed out of the room and left the house, leaving Blaine on his own.

_There are pains_

_And you think your own death can_

_Take them away._

_You think the best way_

_To be saved_

_Is to dig into your skin_

_With a four millimetre blade._

"Oh my god," Kurt whispered, his mouth hanging open as he stared at Blaine's abdomen… and it wasn't because of the firm abs. Blaine was holding his top up to his chin, revealing many self-harm scars over his body.

Blaine took a deep breath. "I did it all before I met you."

"How long?" Kurt couldn't take his eyes off the many red and white lines covering his boyfriend's hips.

Blaine shrugged. "Two years? Maybe more."

"Oh Blaine…" Kurt reached out his right hand and his eyes flickered to Blaine's. "Can I?"

Blaine met his gaze and nodded silently. Kurt took a deep breath and his touch was feather light when he made contact with the scarred skin. He traced them with his fingertips, wishing his touch could make them disappear, along with the hurt and pain Blaine had felt during that period of time. He sat forward a bit on the bed and touched his lips to the places where his fingers had touched. He kissed his way up Blaine's chest until he reached his boyfriend's hands. He took the hem of the t-shirt off Blaine and lowered the top back down before pressing a kiss to Blaine's lips.

"I love you so much." Kurt whispered as he wrapped his arms around Blaine. "I'll never let anything like that happen to you again."

_You can't see that_

_You have friends and_

_We couldn't bear it if your life_

_Were to end._

"Okay, I've got one!" Artie exclaimed as he sucked on a lollipop. "Would you rather get beaten up or murdered?"

"That's pretty sombre," Puck commented, strumming away on his guitar from the corner of the room.

"Yeah dude, do we really have to answer that?" Finn asked, his eyes still glued on the television screen as he beat Rory in a Call of Duty game.

"Game rules!" Artie pressed. "You have to answer."

Blaine, who had been silently sitting on the bed beside Sam up until this point spoke up loud and clear.

"Murdered."

"Really?" Sam raised his eyebrows.

"But it depends how you die," Rory spoke up. "Like if you were left for days in pain then I'd probably rather get beaten up."

"Yeah, and I wouldn't want to leave Rachel or Mom or Burt or anyone," Finn said, sucking on a square of chocolate.

"Agreed," Puck said through a yawn.

"You still want to be murdered?" Sam asked, nudging Blaine's side.

"Definitely."

"But, like Kurt and all of us…"

"You'd get over me; everyone does."

_And even then you go on_

_You say this pain has lasted far too long_

_And it'd be best if you took it away._

"Do you ever think about all the pain and hurt in your life and just wish you could make it all go away?" Blaine asked Sam as they finished their English homework together. Sam looked up at him from across the table and shrugged.

"Not really, to be honest," he answered. "Whenever I think of the bad things in my life, I immediately think of all the good things to outweigh the bad."

"What if you have more bad things than good?" Blaine countered.

"That's impossible," Sam told him. "There's always so much more good in life."

Blaine bit his lip and looked back down at his workbook, staring at it but not doing anything else.

Sam frowned. "Why do you ask?"

Blaine shrugged. "I just think about it sometimes, that's all."

"Why?" Sam worried. "You okay, man?"

"Yeah," Blaine smiled at him but it looked false. "I'm fine."

Sam didn't pursue the topic but his wasn't sure if he believed his friend.

_But you're wrong_

_You're wrong –_

_'Cause I've needed you all along._

_You're wrong_

_You're wrong_

_Don't go, no no no._

_Don't go, where I can't follow._

Tina was nearly in sobs as she watched Kurt sing. She had always thought his voice was beautiful and he was using it to its full affect.

Her heart was breaking, knowing that her best friend was in a situation such as he was. She was just glad his mom had found him in time because, really, she didn't know what she would do without Blaine in her life. He was always there for her and she just wished she could be there for him at this time.

Sam met Tina's eye from across the room and it was then he felt a tear slip down his cheek. Whenever they'd talked about it, they both said they pretty much felt the same way. They both blamed themselves and, in some bizarre way, it made coping with the whole scenario just a little easier.

Kurt was almost happy as he brought the song to an end. With his eyes closed and in the darkness he could see Blaine, he could smell him and taste him and, if he imagined hard enough, then he could believe he was touching him too.

And for now, that was enough to get him by.

_'Cause I need you to know._

_That you're amazing_

_And you're beautiful_

_To me_

_And you're unique, and that's why we love you._


End file.
